dear men, here are some of my dating tips for you...
The First Date
1. NO MOVIES! seriously...i think movies are good for the third or fourth date, but a movie on the first date is such a bummer. for me, i don't want to spend the night at a movie only to go to dinner with someone i may not even like. for me, movies are a personal thing. i ended up at the movies with a guy wearing a sweatshirt in a hot theater. he was upset that i didn't want to lean on him (um...hello, it's too hot!), and then was really offended when i finally turned to him and said, "would you shut the hell up, everyone's trying to watch the movie). needless to say, there was no second date.
2. keep it casual. i say start with drinks so you have an out if you need it. meeting up for a beverage keeps it casual and then you can move onto the date if you're both feeling the chemistry.
3. a guy should always pay for the first date. no, i'm not a gold digger or a female with archaic views of relationships. it's about the gesture. your first date doesn't have to be expensive...go to an art walk, free movies in the park, etc. just make sure that you pay for anything you do on the first date. if you don't, chances are you won't see a second date
4. have a few suggestions in your back pocket. if you don't drink alcohol and she does, chances are she's going to suggest meeting for drinks at a bar only to feel like a lush when she's drinking at the bar. when the inevitable question comes of "where do you want to meet" offer three suggestions that would make you both comfortable. Coffee house, bar, museum...what ever and where ever it may be, first dates are tough enough without the added pressure of meeting some place that makes you uncomfortable.
5. try not to kiss her on the first date. you may want to, she may want to, doesn't matter...don't do it. again, the first date is a lot of pressure, why add the pressure of a first kiss?
Moving Beyond the First Date
6. NEVER EVER bring up how turned on you were, how you just wanted to make out with her, how you wanted to jump her, or any other way you may eloquently put it. we already think all you're after is the hook up. bringing up anything physical just convinces us that we were right, that's all you're after, and then we start to wonder if we should even bother.
7. if you really like the girl, throw the 3-day rule out the window. trust me on this one. we spend so much time obsessing on "does he like me" that by the third day we've convinced ourselves he wasn't into us and have started moving on.
8. second date is a good time for dinner, but be creative too. bowling, mini-golf, etc. as long as there's a fair warning most things are game. just know that we're probably going to be upset if we wore a dress and heels only to discover that you planned to go bowling.
General Rule of thumb
9. chivalry is NEVER out dated or out of style. Even the most uber-feminist appreciates thoughtfulness. don't go over board with ordering for her, just be sweet and thoughtful. everyone wants to feel special
10. If a girl says she's busy, then she probably just has a busy week. Now, if a girl is dodging your calls, not replying to e-mails and text messages, not commiting to a second date, etc. then she's just not into you. Honestly, we're not much different than guys on that one
ok...that's it. those are my top 10 tips for guys out there. please know that there are exceptions to these tips and that your situation may be different, but i find them to be pretty accurate.
i hope they help or at least amuse. please feel free to chime in...i love reading your comments! thanks for reading and keep spreading the word!
Monday, January 4, 2010
a note to those married men out there
if you're not sure that you're ready to get married, then don't do it. in the recent month i have had a conversation with several married men who are unsure about their marriage. please know that i think they are all great and am in no way bashing them (so put your clubs away). i just think that we have put so much pressure on ourselves to be married that we're missing the bigger picture and rushing into a relationship.
life is about perspectives, if you're not sure about what you want then take a moment, breathe, and look at the bigger picture. in the end you're going to cause a lot more damage than good.
ok, that's my vent for today. it's a really random one, so you didn't receive an e-mail reminder :)
life is about perspectives, if you're not sure about what you want then take a moment, breathe, and look at the bigger picture. in the end you're going to cause a lot more damage than good.
ok, that's my vent for today. it's a really random one, so you didn't receive an e-mail reminder :)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Ringing in the new year...almost 30 and still just as fabulous!
Thanks for reading...I really appreciate it. Please send the word out so my weird experiences can entertain more readers.
ok, so this story isn't as entertaining as some of my others, but on a night (hello New Years Eve) when you're feeling down about being single, feeling like the third wheel, and around lots of model-esque gals in their early 20s it's easy to think that 2010 is looking as great as 2009 ended.
first i have to set the scene for you. here i am, New Years eve, older than all the girls by at least 5 years, weighing in at least 50lbs heavier than every person in the room, the only girl wearing jeans instead of a black mini-dress, and in a room where I am the only girl under 5'7" (with the exception of me in my heels), I was hit on by the hottest guy in the group.
While he was a couple of years younger, he thought I was facinating, attractive, and charming...lol. i know those of you who are my friends would say, "why wouldn't he" but you're my friends and some days you just need an ego boost.
the night went on and the group decided to head down to the bar aross the street. here we were, he offered to put any of my drinks on his tab (score...free drinks!), but as the night went on the leggy blondes decided to focus on him and of course midnight hit, the model grabbed him for a good make out. at 12:15am he told me I was confusing him because I was so intriguing and then he attempted a make out. now, while I appreciate the compliments, I'm going to pass on a a drunken smoker who claims that he's been on a boat so he's confused about women in general which is why he made out with the other girl. While he may have been the hottest guy in the bar, i just haven't reached that level of desparation.
I may not have the age, the height, or the model looks, but age does bring wisdom and this gal doesn't do sloppy seconds. Any way, when all is said and done, I was still hit on by the hottest guy in the group ;)
I have a coffee date tomorrow, so I'm sure there will be more to tell!
ok, so this story isn't as entertaining as some of my others, but on a night (hello New Years Eve) when you're feeling down about being single, feeling like the third wheel, and around lots of model-esque gals in their early 20s it's easy to think that 2010 is looking as great as 2009 ended.
first i have to set the scene for you. here i am, New Years eve, older than all the girls by at least 5 years, weighing in at least 50lbs heavier than every person in the room, the only girl wearing jeans instead of a black mini-dress, and in a room where I am the only girl under 5'7" (with the exception of me in my heels), I was hit on by the hottest guy in the group.
While he was a couple of years younger, he thought I was facinating, attractive, and charming...lol. i know those of you who are my friends would say, "why wouldn't he" but you're my friends and some days you just need an ego boost.
the night went on and the group decided to head down to the bar aross the street. here we were, he offered to put any of my drinks on his tab (score...free drinks!), but as the night went on the leggy blondes decided to focus on him and of course midnight hit, the model grabbed him for a good make out. at 12:15am he told me I was confusing him because I was so intriguing and then he attempted a make out. now, while I appreciate the compliments, I'm going to pass on a a drunken smoker who claims that he's been on a boat so he's confused about women in general which is why he made out with the other girl. While he may have been the hottest guy in the bar, i just haven't reached that level of desparation.
I may not have the age, the height, or the model looks, but age does bring wisdom and this gal doesn't do sloppy seconds. Any way, when all is said and done, I was still hit on by the hottest guy in the group ;)
I have a coffee date tomorrow, so I'm sure there will be more to tell!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Seriously...why even bother
Let me start by saything that I feel like I had my very own Carrie Bradshaw "Post It" send off.
So, I met this guy a few weeks ago and we finally decided to meet up on Thursday for a coffee (tea) thing before my meeting. The meet up was great, we hit it off like peas and carrots. We chatted after my meeting and decided to go on a "proper date" on Friday. We were both surprised by how well things were going.
Well, cold weather came through, the snow started, and that was the begining of the end. Some of the pipes in his building bursted, so already that caused a cancellation in our plans. No big deal, it was snowing, we closed early, these things happen. In fact, I would say some of the best things in life start out a little hectic and chaotic, but that's just me and we know that I'm a little quirky like that.
Any way, I digress. So we had fun e-mail exchange, chatted on the phone, talked about how bummed we were, and rescheduled for Saturday after my class, etc. Well, the story gets better. Those plans were done around say 1:30-2pm. All of a sudden I get an e-mail from him at 3:59pm that says:
Zahrah, our connection doesn't feel right to me.
The water is a wake up call.
It's time for me to say goodbye.
Thank you and good luck,
-mr. nutjob
Now I'm all about signs and symbols, but what about the fact that you made a connection with another person. It's hard to date or even make friends post-college, so you should take advantage when they come your way. I have done the girl thing of going through this over and over again in my head, but there's really nothing that I could have done differently. I mean, if he had said, "I'm not attracted to you," "I like someone else," "being around you made me realize that I'm gay," WHATEVER...would have made more sense.
How you go from I'm literally "I've been thinking about you since we met" to "our connection doesn't feel right" within three hours is so far beyond me. Oh well, at least there's something for your reading pleasure! I shall continue fighting the good fight...lol
So, I met this guy a few weeks ago and we finally decided to meet up on Thursday for a coffee (tea) thing before my meeting. The meet up was great, we hit it off like peas and carrots. We chatted after my meeting and decided to go on a "proper date" on Friday. We were both surprised by how well things were going.
Well, cold weather came through, the snow started, and that was the begining of the end. Some of the pipes in his building bursted, so already that caused a cancellation in our plans. No big deal, it was snowing, we closed early, these things happen. In fact, I would say some of the best things in life start out a little hectic and chaotic, but that's just me and we know that I'm a little quirky like that.
Any way, I digress. So we had fun e-mail exchange, chatted on the phone, talked about how bummed we were, and rescheduled for Saturday after my class, etc. Well, the story gets better. Those plans were done around say 1:30-2pm. All of a sudden I get an e-mail from him at 3:59pm that says:
Zahrah, our connection doesn't feel right to me.
The water is a wake up call.
It's time for me to say goodbye.
Thank you and good luck,
-mr. nutjob
Now I'm all about signs and symbols, but what about the fact that you made a connection with another person. It's hard to date or even make friends post-college, so you should take advantage when they come your way. I have done the girl thing of going through this over and over again in my head, but there's really nothing that I could have done differently. I mean, if he had said, "I'm not attracted to you," "I like someone else," "being around you made me realize that I'm gay," WHATEVER...would have made more sense.
How you go from I'm literally "I've been thinking about you since we met" to "our connection doesn't feel right" within three hours is so far beyond me. Oh well, at least there's something for your reading pleasure! I shall continue fighting the good fight...lol
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Lessons learned on this journey...
While I should be reading reflection papers and preparing for class on Saturday, I just can't concentrate. Maybe it's the anticipation of a Friday Snow Day, I don't know. In the mean time, I'll blog and give you a distraction for later.
First let me say that I hope you enjoying reading my online dating adventures as much as I enjoy sharing. It's cathardic and, in some ways, putting myself out there has become a part of the grieving process. Any way, I've been on the road too much for any significant actual dates, so I thought I'd share some conversations and things I have learned.
1. The police officer trainer. He's a former cop, a little too much of an eager beaver, and definitely a mama's boy. The conversation was great, but we didn't get the chance to meet up. I'm thinking this is a good thing because anyone who calls and texts as often as he did screams needy. I mean, I'm all for talking about my future and the hopes to have a family; HOWEVER, please don't start planning our future together before even meeting me. I mean, yes, I'm sure you would think I'm awesome, but I like to wait until we at least MEET. Also, the prospect of a weekend getaway is fantastic, talking about a weekend getaway (out of the country at that) for the first date...not so much
2. Guys in their early 20s (21-24) want a relationship, guys in their mid to very early 30s (26-32) want to just date around, and guys in their mid 30s and beyond (35+) want to hook up. This is a distinct contradiction to where women are at these ages.
3. The number of men I who are still in relationships but post online profiles never ceases to amaze me. No, I'm not on some adultry website, they're going after the single ladies. I just can't imagine what goes through a person's mind to do that.
4. Apparently the request to see "middles" is some online code for full body photo exchange and then some. Yeah, sorry...go check out Maxim, Playboy, etc. I'll pass on your request, thanks though!
5. I love when guys say, "oh you're Catholic...cool, I used to be Catholic once"
My response is usually slow, "what do you mean used to be Catholic"
Him: "Well, like I used to go to mass and stuff, I was confirmed, I'm just not Catholic any more"
me: Um...I hate to tell you this, but you're still Catholic. You can't become "unCatholic" you don't "de-baptize" or "unconfirm" yourself. You're just not a practicing Catholic any more, but that's your choice.
this conversation goes on for a little while and the conversation usually ends with some kind of scathy reference about Catholic girls and how maybe I can save him. While I am a woman of many powers, I don't know that I can offer that much of a conversion. Sorry buddy, but it's not about me, it's about Him.
6. It doesn't matter what dating website you're on (trust me, i'm on plenty of them), it is still hard to find a good guy. the thing about online dating is that rather than seeing 10 undatables in your social setting you now have hundreds of men who have more issues than a middle aged divorcee support group. Seriously, men love the drama as much if not more than women.
I'll keep fighting the good fight, putting myself out there, and approaching it all with a sense of humor. In the mean time, maybe I need to look at jDate...the jewish boys do love a nice Catholic girl :)
First let me say that I hope you enjoying reading my online dating adventures as much as I enjoy sharing. It's cathardic and, in some ways, putting myself out there has become a part of the grieving process. Any way, I've been on the road too much for any significant actual dates, so I thought I'd share some conversations and things I have learned.
1. The police officer trainer. He's a former cop, a little too much of an eager beaver, and definitely a mama's boy. The conversation was great, but we didn't get the chance to meet up. I'm thinking this is a good thing because anyone who calls and texts as often as he did screams needy. I mean, I'm all for talking about my future and the hopes to have a family; HOWEVER, please don't start planning our future together before even meeting me. I mean, yes, I'm sure you would think I'm awesome, but I like to wait until we at least MEET. Also, the prospect of a weekend getaway is fantastic, talking about a weekend getaway (out of the country at that) for the first date...not so much
2. Guys in their early 20s (21-24) want a relationship, guys in their mid to very early 30s (26-32) want to just date around, and guys in their mid 30s and beyond (35+) want to hook up. This is a distinct contradiction to where women are at these ages.
3. The number of men I who are still in relationships but post online profiles never ceases to amaze me. No, I'm not on some adultry website, they're going after the single ladies. I just can't imagine what goes through a person's mind to do that.
4. Apparently the request to see "middles" is some online code for full body photo exchange and then some. Yeah, sorry...go check out Maxim, Playboy, etc. I'll pass on your request, thanks though!
5. I love when guys say, "oh you're Catholic...cool, I used to be Catholic once"
My response is usually slow, "what do you mean used to be Catholic"
Him: "Well, like I used to go to mass and stuff, I was confirmed, I'm just not Catholic any more"
me: Um...I hate to tell you this, but you're still Catholic. You can't become "unCatholic" you don't "de-baptize" or "unconfirm" yourself. You're just not a practicing Catholic any more, but that's your choice.
this conversation goes on for a little while and the conversation usually ends with some kind of scathy reference about Catholic girls and how maybe I can save him. While I am a woman of many powers, I don't know that I can offer that much of a conversion. Sorry buddy, but it's not about me, it's about Him.
6. It doesn't matter what dating website you're on (trust me, i'm on plenty of them), it is still hard to find a good guy. the thing about online dating is that rather than seeing 10 undatables in your social setting you now have hundreds of men who have more issues than a middle aged divorcee support group. Seriously, men love the drama as much if not more than women.
I'll keep fighting the good fight, putting myself out there, and approaching it all with a sense of humor. In the mean time, maybe I need to look at jDate...the jewish boys do love a nice Catholic girl :)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
all my single ladies....
now put your hands up...lol...
so, here's the question out there, what is it about relationships and the quest to find someone that makes people with a healthy image, self included, feel the need to adapt or compromise who we are for someone who's not even that great?
It's worse when you watch someone who has very low self esteem. The lengths the women (and men) go through to get attention. We can't force someone to like or love us any more than we can stop the tides from rolling in. I see it over and over again...people who compromise appearance, attire, values, morals, etc. just to force a relationship that probably won't last because being in any relationship is better than being alone.
Don't get me wrong, you do compromise in relationships; however, your significant other shouldn't make you compromise who you are to make himself feel better. A healthy relationship (heck, life in general) is all about finding balance.
So where does this pressure for relationship come from? Society? Peers? Self? I think the hard pill for some to swallow in the south is that I'd rather be single and fabulous with great friends than in a mediocre relationship that makes me be less of me.
so, here's the question out there, what is it about relationships and the quest to find someone that makes people with a healthy image, self included, feel the need to adapt or compromise who we are for someone who's not even that great?
It's worse when you watch someone who has very low self esteem. The lengths the women (and men) go through to get attention. We can't force someone to like or love us any more than we can stop the tides from rolling in. I see it over and over again...people who compromise appearance, attire, values, morals, etc. just to force a relationship that probably won't last because being in any relationship is better than being alone.
Don't get me wrong, you do compromise in relationships; however, your significant other shouldn't make you compromise who you are to make himself feel better. A healthy relationship (heck, life in general) is all about finding balance.
So where does this pressure for relationship come from? Society? Peers? Self? I think the hard pill for some to swallow in the south is that I'd rather be single and fabulous with great friends than in a mediocre relationship that makes me be less of me.
virtual rejection sucks...
Ok, this is an old though (i'm behind on my blogging), but I'll update you just the same. I went out with a guy a few weeks ago, date was ok, we talked a bit, but after getting to know him better, I wasn't sure if the chemistry was there.
On top of that, he started sending weird texts, didn't answer his phone but would call back, had lots of odd excues, etc. (things that are probably code for girlfriend).
He is a nice person, but, to be quite honest, he wants a hook up situation and I'm just not into that. I don't care if that's you're thing...more power to you, it's just not my thing.
After a few exchanges the situation went like this
him: "you're a very uptight person"
me: "really?"
him: "yes, I don't think you know how to have fun" (yes, take the code for have fun in guy terms)
me: "um...so I'm guessing that we won't be hanging out again?"
him: "yes, have a nice life" (a tone that came out of no where)
me: "that's fine, i think we have different views of what makes a relationship. good luck"
him: "GOOD BYE"
I'm a resilient girl, but my streaks of things not working out made this one a little hard to swallow. Now, I really wasn't into him, so that's not the issue. Honestly, why go for someone that makes you feel any less awesome than you are or put up with someone you aren't even into? I will say that there's something about virtual rejections that make it a little harder to deal with rather than your traditional face to face, "this isn't working out speech."
Online has developed an outlet for people to be quite bold with "requests" (you want me to what?!), to be more upfront about their feelings, and to recreate the person hiding behind a keyboard. For better or worse, it's interesting to see how technology has affected how we communicate.
On top of that, he started sending weird texts, didn't answer his phone but would call back, had lots of odd excues, etc. (things that are probably code for girlfriend).
He is a nice person, but, to be quite honest, he wants a hook up situation and I'm just not into that. I don't care if that's you're thing...more power to you, it's just not my thing.
After a few exchanges the situation went like this
him: "you're a very uptight person"
me: "really?"
him: "yes, I don't think you know how to have fun" (yes, take the code for have fun in guy terms)
me: "um...so I'm guessing that we won't be hanging out again?"
him: "yes, have a nice life" (a tone that came out of no where)
me: "that's fine, i think we have different views of what makes a relationship. good luck"
him: "GOOD BYE"
I'm a resilient girl, but my streaks of things not working out made this one a little hard to swallow. Now, I really wasn't into him, so that's not the issue. Honestly, why go for someone that makes you feel any less awesome than you are or put up with someone you aren't even into? I will say that there's something about virtual rejections that make it a little harder to deal with rather than your traditional face to face, "this isn't working out speech."
Online has developed an outlet for people to be quite bold with "requests" (you want me to what?!), to be more upfront about their feelings, and to recreate the person hiding behind a keyboard. For better or worse, it's interesting to see how technology has affected how we communicate.
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